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Wen Ying: My Eternal Pain

2015-12-10 Source:kaiwind Author:Wen Ying

I am Wen Ying, a retired worker living in Gulou District, Nanjing City.

In 1997, one of my relatives living in Liaoning Province came to Nanjing to visit me because she knew that I was in poor health. The relative gave me the book Zhuan Falun, and introduced parts of the book and her own experience of practicing Falun Gong. I thought that Falun Gong was worth learning because it encouraged people to be good with its principles of truthfulness, benevolence and forbearance. Besides, I had been suffering from poor kidney function and needed to take medicine on a long term basis. I sometimes even needed hospitalized treatment. Bit by bit, I got obsessed with Falun Gong because I felt it helped improve my physical health. I also persuaded my mother to practice it. Thus my mother, who was also in poor health, joined the circle of Falun Gong. She learned and practiced Falun Gong every day. Falun Gong kept her busy all day long.

In July 1999, Falun Gong was outlawed by the government. I could not understand the government’s decision, so I still went around publicizing Falun Gong in secret. In order to become a real follower of Falun Gong, I kept secret contact with some other practitioners. Since the situation in Nanjing was getting tense, I printed some Falun Gong publicity materials and went to other regions to distribute or spread the materials. Since my mother could not go out with me to “tell the truth” due to her physical limitations, I asked her to practice at home. Sometimes I was away from home for consecutive months or even years to publicize Falun Gong in a bid to enhance my moral level and to achieve consummation as early as possible.

Since my mother got obsessed with Falun Gong, she refused all kinds of medical treatments. She believed that practicing Falun Gong could eliminate her diseases and her “karma”.

However, my dreams and hopes were dashed. Prior to the Chinese New Year in 2009, I returned home for the first time after I left nearly four years ago. But I was shocked by what had happened at home.

At one side of a long table in the living room was a portrait of my deceased mother and sacrificial fruits. My family members told me that my mother had died more than half a year ago. Because she had refused to take any medical treatment for a long time, in her seventies, she suffered from hypertension with her blood pressure reaching as high as 200mmHg, which resulted in a stroke. She was taken to hospital, but it was too late. Her physical functions degraded and she had a cerebral infraction. At last she changed her mind and accepted medical treatment, but it was too late.  She died less than two months later.

When my mother was admitted to hospital, she could open her eyes. She sometimes murmured something. My father did not have the heart to see her in deep agony. He said to her, “Please do not wait for our daughter. None of us know when she will come back.”My mother shed tears. Finally she died with regret and concern about the family.

My mother’s death woke me up. I felt very guilty for her death because it was me who introduced Falun Gong to her. I know why my mother shed tears at the end of her life. She came to realize how miserable the fate of obsessed followers of Falun Gong would be. It is a total lie that the master would release his energy to save his followers, or that the whole family of practitioners would be blessed by Falun Gong. When my mother died, none of my family saw the so-called “ascension in broad daylight” or the splendid consummation. My mother’s death taught me a lesson. It is my eternal pain. I will never forgive myself.

During those stressful and lonely days, volunteers offered me help. My mother’s death and volunteers’ patient instruction made me rethink my past decisions. I eventually rid myself of the cult. Now I am a volunteer and a member of a singing and dancing group in the Home of Love in Gulou District in Nanjing. The shadow of the cult has disappeared without any trace. My heart is alive. I think what I am doing is what my mother would expect of me. I deeply regret my mistakes.